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| hehe...... hi!  i'm really bored....let's see, what's good with me?
well i went ice skating today with my lovers&friends 
and im feelin pretty happy hehe i dont know whyyy dont ask me i just
enjoy my own company lol anyyywaaayyyysss...i just felt like wasting
time so byyyyyyyyye 
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| Wow things have changed...Mostly for the good though, I think =) . But
yea, today was my first 9 [8 if you take away the lunch break] hour day
of work & surprisingly, I think it was the best...lol. I guess it
was just pretty productive & I'm getting used to the work, BUT I am
STILL looking for a new job, cuz I really don't like the pay that comes
with the work when I could be doing less work for more money some place
else. It seems the harder you have to work, the less you get paid. I
don't know, maybe I'm just CrAzY lol to think that MAYBE just MAYBE the
hardest working people should get paid more...I know I know, somebody
knock some sense into me. lol haha but no, I'm just glad to be making
my own money, being responsible of myself instead of running to mom or
dad for money. I guess they have always taught me that I have to work
for what I want, cuz I look around and see parents giving their kids
money or buying them things that they want and I notice that my parents
rarely ever give me money and when they do it's most likely cuz I did
something to earn the money. It's odd, I feel like I've grown up a lot
more this summer, like I FINALLY found myself, what I want//need to do
for ME for once. And summer's almost over, and I seriously have to get
serious on the reading cuz I am really gonna screw myself over with
having to read as much as I have to read. There are only 29 more days
until school starts...AND until HE has to go to COURT =( . My first day
of school has already been ruined cuz I'm gonna be worrying about HIM
=( . I mean, even if he DOES end up serving jail time, it can't be
much, cuz I mean it's not like he robbed someone or beat up someone or
murdered anybody, it's not that serious, he just has to stop being
STUPID with that shit lol. Things are just going pretty damn well for a
change, and I'm sooo glad that I can finally breathe. I hope it
lasts... But this whole paranoia thing with me isn't going away still,
cuz I'm always gonna have those DOUBTS. I have no choice, I can't let
my guard down anymore, I have to hold myself down [lol]. I can't wait
to get my check on Thursday cuz its gonna be good =) hehehe lol na
it'll probably be like at the most $150 cuz I'm only getting paid
minimum wage to sell my SOUL lol while that bum-ass Nick gets paid 10
cents more than me and he rarely even comes to work AND I started
before his ass, Jordan too, he's been there longer than both of us and
still that bum Nick is getting paid more lol. Wow, this is getting
long...oh what the hell =) hahahaha. ANYWHOOO you wouldn't get that now
would you? hahahaha. UH-OH, that Strawberries & Cereme Starbucks
Frappuccino thing is kickin in =\ muahahahaha sike nah. ANYWHO again,
um let's see, well I also moved a week ago so now I am soooo happy cuz
I had been DYING to move and I finally have and it's great =) but since
i work so much, I haven't been able to take advantage of it and go to
Cindy's or Priscilla's houses yet. I will...one day lol. But they got
to come over and go to the pool so I guess that counts? Oh and yeah I
go to the pool so much now lol cuz I can finally have one to go to
that's FREE cuz my poor ass hahahaha more like cheap, wouldn't pay to
go to a pool and I can bring people for FREE too so I got the hook up
lol. Yeah I guess that's it for now huh? Byeee
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| so yea..life...is...actually starting to look *good* for once. hopefully this will last, cuz i think i really found something special, and *he*
makes me feel happy. but at the same time, i'm not trying to fall for
it too fast this time around, cuz i learned from that the last time. so
anyway, i'm *16* =) yess lol & i finished reading the drivers book thing so now i can go take the test & PASS
it so that i dont have to go back another time to retake it like other
people [lol, poor Ivan] but i can't wait to start driving! lol i know,
kinda scary, ME..DRIVING
[ i had to get it out the way cuz i know somebody will say that]. but,
i'm planning on making my junior year the best year, at least besides
my senior year, that year HAS to be the best.i'm gonna get in more trouble, lol, or as long as i dont get caught
with it though =) & i'm gonna get good grades & i'm gonna smile
& mean it & im gonna laugh & im gonna cry & then im
gonna do something stupid to make me forget why i was crying in the
first place =) ohhhh yeeea lol, im gonna make this year...worth it. i mean, i'm SIXTEEN....the "SWEET" SIXTEEN. that means i HAVE
to make it worth it, right? but anyway, i got the best friends to be
there for me so even if i feel down, i got them to be there for me
& i love em for it...ok...im out =P
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| well yea, so i havent written in here 4 a while...but i really need to get things off my chest..so here goes..& if u dont wana read this: i honestly could giv a fuk less
n nobody says u hav 2 read this so dont complain 2 me about how long it
is, this is wat im feeling & im gona talk about it if u want me 2
or not n u can press tht little x at the top right corner.
first of all, i've realized somthing...i loved him..as much as i would deny it, i realize it now, that it's true. notice i didnt say i was in love with him..thats because he didnt love me
like i did him. for too long i have been hurting n keeping all of this
inside of me and if anybody was even wondering why i have been the way
i have been lately..that's why..
i gave my all to him, i gave my heart to him because he made me believe that he wouldnt hurt me, only to gain a broken heart in the end. i cried so much for sombody who never has, never will love me back. i never thought that my first love would happen this way, that it would hurt so much.and it still does hurt. i have tried so hard to make him understand the way i feel about him, but wat do i get? nothing.
according to him: i am not worth his time, not worth of such a presence
such as him in my life. it's always "i got a lot on my mind right now"
"i dont wana talk about this right now" "another time.." but do u wanna
know somthing? i am sick and tired of you, you, you, wat about me???? wat do u think u put me through?? all i hav ever done 4 u was be there 4 u, try to help u, i always saccrificed my own happiness to make u happy & all u thought about was urself. i do have feelings too, the world does not
revolve around u..but at the same time, i still do not want to let u
go, my heart doesnt wana give up..but then again, i wish i culd forget
u, i wish u never happened 2 me, i wish i had never talked to u. for 2 years u kept trying n i never wanted 2 talk 2 u..but wen i gave in & gave u a chance thinking tht u must really wanna talk 2 me, u break my heart. after u cried, begging 4 me 2 give u another chance...it was all an act. u never cared about me & all this time i have just wasted on u & i culd never 4get u because: i actually loved & cared for u. must blow ur mind huh? that som1 actually cared wen they said they did..weird concept: i told u i cared about u and i actually meant it? all i wanted was for u to tell me why
tell me wat happened & i wuld leave u the fuk alone like i kno u
want me to, but u say "i never said we couldnt be friends" n y didnt u
answer me? "i've been busy & i dont usually answer ppl bak." yes,
it's all on ur time, wenevr u hav the time 2 care about somthing. n u said it was always on my time? i hav tried over and over and over despite wat everyone tells me i kept wanting to be there 4 u wen u hurt even as u hurt me
i was there & i hope u realize wat u had n i hope u cry as much as
i have cried & i hope u feel as trapped inside as i have for the
past 7 months & i hope u dont smile the way u used to as u have
done to me..b/c u hav changed me so much & made me feel the way i
never wanted to feel the way that i said i wuld never let anybody make me feel & even then, wen u feel all that i wanted u 2 feel, i wuld still hold a special place in my heart 4 u b/c even tho i want u 2 feel wat i feel, i wuld always 4give u b/c thats the kind of person i am..i will always
be here 4 u wen u feel down b/c that is the kind of person i am, that
is the way God wants me to be: forgiving..& no matter how much u
hurt me, no matter how much u push me down, i will always get up n
brush it off n still giv u my hand b/c i have cared so much about u...
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| hey hey ppl..sup? well nothin
much here. i mean i guess a lot but nothin much that i wana put out
there. well i can see nobody even pays attention 2 my pg cus i got 3SUCKED
<3 Jessica
(aka billion)
comments while i wasn't on here 4 more than a month so no point in
writing too much. well yes the steelers won the superbowl haha i
blessed them by choosing them as my team 4 the game haha, although i do
admit that 1st touchdown by the steelers was a really bad call, that
really did not count. but they wuld hav still won anyway. pretty boring
game tho nd wat was w/ the commercials?? they this year. ok well im out take care,
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